When I started to work with Amy I was not dating. I had been told by an astrologer that I’d be married by a certain date, and I counted on it. That day came and went, and I was still not even dating. I realized there must be something more to learn. That required courage and putting myself out there and trusting God. I had been married but hadn’t dated for a long time. My skill set was rusty, if I even had one. What dating did was open me to a process I avoided. I knew Pat Allen called it “duty dating” and I didn’t like that phrase. But Amy helped me to see it was about me and God. Dating placed me in the refiner’s fire, burning off all of the longing, impatience and the need to control. Like learning to dance with a man who leads, dating taught me it was like that, only in every other subtle way. Learning the language of “What do you think, this is how I feel,” and learning how to increase the polarity. Because I was no longer in the illusion of control, it was scary. It requires courage and making yourself go when you don’t want to. Then it is finally no longer about the goal of meeting someone but meeting yourself and trusting God.
Today, I am dating three men at a time without sex, substances, and I let him lead. I go three times if asked and discontinue after that if I am uninterested. I have realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that my “longing for a man to fulfill me” was and is a God sized hole inside me. And this has dogged me since childhood – and even being married or partnered in the past didn’t fix it.
What I had to realize was that I had been captured by some kind of fantasy of how a guy would “COMPLETE ME.” Love songs became a kind of “stronghold” of fantasy that just left me with longing. Work and my career have always been easy. And I have been successful. But the real issue has always been relationships. I know what the setup for this was in childhood, BUT— so what!!! It is up to ME to repair this within me and to take it to God.
Now— I go on dates and choose to just be with myself in the presence of a man. Breathing, allowing, not needing to fix him, heal him, or impress him. None of that. It is the most confronting thing to let a man take care of himself and just learn to receive. Ironically, here I am— well past menopause— having more men who want to be with me than I ever thought possible. I have arrived at cruising altitude. And it is an amazing experience. The God size hole has been filled with—— wait for it— faith in God and surrender to the process - knowing God has me. What is mine cannot be withheld from me or taken from me. What a sweet place to be.